Your Star
by Unlegally Insane
Summary: Lily never liked James, never liked the connection they shared. That is, until she lost it. Now, she has to face a James in love with someone else. I am not proud of it, but I am not taking it down. Read at your own risk.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**A/N: Н_и_м_ф_а_д_о_р_а () I have no problem with you translating this into Russian. Thanks for asking.**

_I can't see your star.  
I can't see your star.  
Though I patiently waited, bedside, for the death of today.  
I can't see your star.  
The mechanical lights of Lisbon frightened it away.  
_

I always knew where James was. It was weird, but he was a spot in my consciousness. I could feel him watching me. Always watching me. When he wasn't around, I felt this magnetic pull to where he was, like he was yearning for me. I never minded, no matter how much I hated him, I thought of it as a way to avoid him. Not once did I think that I would miss it. It was an annoyance, who wants to be perpetually aware of their enemy? I knew James had the same thing, because whenever I was in trouble, he showed up. I didn't like that either, who likes their enemy saving them?

Then, one day, the connection vanished. I didn't know at first, but just felt like something was missing. It was like I had lost something important, but hadn't pinpointed to object yet. I figured it out when I entered the Head's Dorm. There he stood, passionately kissing Emmeline Vance. He got over me. Instead of feeling elated, I felt hollow. I rushed to my room, trying to understand my emotions.

I couldn't. It took me three days to realize I missed James. I had hated him for so long, but now, I liked him. Of course, I realized this when he got over me. So, I did what I did best, and ignored my feelings. But, subconsciously, I waited for him to leave Emmeline, and come back to me.

That didn't happen.

_And I'm alone now,  
Me and all I stood for.  
We're wandering now.  
All in parts in pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out._

I was alone, for the first time since I came to Hogwarts. When the Slytherins tormented me, no one showed up to help fight them off. I felt so alone, even though I had a good group of friends. I felt like I was wandering in the woods, without a compass. My friends noticed something was wrong, but didn't ask, they knew I liked to sort things out myself.

I had to find the answer to all of this myself. I was happy for James, in a way. He was happy with someone, he was in love. He proclaimed that to the school two months after they started going out. Emmeline blushed a pretty pink, before kissing him gently. I thought of all the times he had asked me out publicly, how I turned him down. He was lucky to be able to have another relationship after what I put him through.

I began to realize I wasn't for him. He couldn't want me anymore. I was alone. And I decided to leave it like that. I wasn't going to fight to get him back.

He was happy.

_I can't see your star.  
I can't see your star.  
How can the darkness feel so wrong?_

I missed him. I was the first to admit it to myself. I watched him now, closely at meals. How he sat apart from his friends, in his own little world with Emmeline. How Sirius began to look sadder, how all of the Marauders began to look at him longingly, as if to summon him back. We were all in the dark, away from him. I was the first to feel the effects, the first to feel how wrong it was.

I decided to talk to Remus, to see if he missed the old, boisterous James. James had changed, he never pranked, never broke rules, stopped throwing huge parties. His life revolved around Emmeline.

"Remus, are you alright? You seem sad," I asked timidly, wondering if I crossed some unspoken boundary. He looked up at me in surprise, his golden-brown eyes deep with loss.

"Lily!" His voice was surprised. "No, I am not fine. I miss James. He has forgotten about all of us, his friends." I nodded, I understood. "Sirius too, he misses his best friend. All I want is to get him back. I mean, he can still be with Emmeline, but we want him as a friend too." I nodded again.

"Remus, do you mind if I talk to him? Mention that you all feel like he deserted you." Remus looked at me, startled. Then he nodded, and smiled. I smiled back, and began to walk towards the Head's Dorm.

_And I'm alone now,  
Me and all I stood for.  
We're wandering now.  
All in parts in pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.  
_

I walked back, thinking about what to say. Should I be concerned? Angry? How was it my business at all? What was I supposed to be like? I was still alone, still lost. I walked in to see James and Emmeline, curled up together on the couch. My heart ached, then shattered. I finally knew why it bothered me so much.

I loved him. I came around, just like he said I would. I was bothered by how he left Remus, Sirius and Peter, but I loved the loud, boisterous James, and he was gone. I wanted to scream, yell at him, but what would it do? Nothing. I went to my room to pick up the pieces of my heart, and iron out my ideas for talking to James.

_So far away.  
It's growing colder without your love.  
Why can't you feel me calling your name?  
Can't break the silence,  
It's breaking me._

I felt numb, as I lay on my bed. My friends were there, but they knew I hated people interfering in my problems, and I was too ashamed to ask for help. It was so cold, so lonely, without James. I wondered if he could feel the way I wanted him back. How I couldn't sleep, for guilt of how I treated him. I just couldn't tell him, couldn't cross the gap. Why didn't he feel my need to talk to him? Before he always could sense when I needed help, but now, I was alone.

And it was breaking me to pieces, the guilt, the sadness, the longing. I needed him, needed his love. Did he feel like this, when he still wanted me? I began to think he never wanted me, it was all a joke. The glances I caught, filled with longing, were a figment of my imagination.

And I started to believe my lies.

_All my fears turn to rage._

One day, about four months after James and Emmeline started dating, some Slytherins cornered me. They said horrible things, about how I was worthless, scum, useless. I couldn't help it, my world had crumbled to pieces, and everything stable had disappeared.

I believed them. For a moment, I believed I was worthless. I was the scum of the earth, not fit to live. I was useless, unable to do anything. And then, I came to my senses. All of the numbness I felt, all of my fears, dissipated. I was filled with anger. I whipped my wand out, and cursed them all, before storming up to the Head's Dorm. I spat out the password, and walked in. James was alone.

"You are such an ungrateful bastard." I screamed, unable to contain myself. He spun around startled. We had gotten along the entire year. "I don't care if you are in love with Emmeline. Look what you have done to your friends. You have barely spoken to them for three months. You have made Sirius and Peter deal with Remus alone for three full moons. You gave them up for a stupid girl!" I was yelling, so angry with him. For me, for his friends. He looked shell shocked.

"And then, look at yourself! I am surprised you recognize yourself in the mirror. You don't pull pranks, you don't break the rules, you barely put your heart into Quidditch, with has always been your passion. You gave everything up for Emmeline. You are so selfish. How can you stand yourself?" I stormed away, to my dormitory, where I cried, the first and last time for James Potter. I swore to myself I would never cry about him again. He wasn't worth my tears.

He wasn't worthy of me. And I tried to mend my broken heart. The next day, when I went to breakfast, I saw James sitting with the Marauders. His hair was a mess, unlike the slicked-back good-boy look he had sported, and they were laughing as the Slytherins turned into canaries. I smiled, and thought maybe my talk had done something.

In my classes, he began to act up again, making saucy remarks to teachers. After dinner, I wandered back to the Head's Dorm, when I heard voices. It was James and Emmeline.

"James, what has gotten into you?" Emmeline asked, her voice sharp.

"Emmeline, this is who I am. I am not going to be a perfect boy for you. I am sick of hiding myself." James voice was low, and I caught anger in his tone.

"Oh, you are sick of being perfect! You didn't mind yesterday!"

"Someone very smart told me off. Emmeline, you can either accept me as I am, or we can break up. Your choice." My heart leapt. I wanted her to break up with him, I wanted a chance to right my wrongs.

"Fine. We are through." Emmeline spat, and stomped off. I let James have a three minute head start, before continuing on. I bumped into him outside the Dorm. He turned to look at me.

I felt the connection spring to life again.

_And I'm alone now, me  
And all I stood for.  
We're wandering now.  
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out_

I looked at the ground, unsure of what to say. After what I said yesterday, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't just kiss him. I was still all alone. My heart was still in pieces, and I had to figure out what to do myself.

"Lily, I listened to you. And now, because of that, Emmeline and I aren't together anymore." His voice was sad. I ached to be the cause of his sadness. It hurt.

"James, I am not the reason you and Emmeline broke up. You are. If you hadn't changed yourself, you might not have begun to date her." My voice was strong, I am not going to let the blame be put on me. I didn't want more guilt. "I didn't force you to do anything." With that, I whispered the password and walked away.

James and I didn't speak for a week. Then, one night, I got back from rounds, and found him waiting up for me in the Common Room of our Dorm. I knew he was there, could sense him. The connection was a joy to me. He didn't say anything, just stared at me.

"Did you ever like me?" The words poured out of my mouth. I needed to know, needed to find my way out of this living hell. James nodded.

"Yes, since about three weeks before I started dating Emmeline. I just realized you and I would never be together. So I found Emmeline, and she was perfect." His voice was rough. "She didn't turn me down nastily every time I asked her out." His voice grew angry, bitter. "She was nice and kind and gentle. I grew to love her. She wanted me to change. I changed, and we were happy, and in love."

"Shouldn't someone love you for who you are?" The words didn't stop. "Shouldn't they love you for your faults? Aren't mistakes the most important part of a person?" I felt tears prick my eyes. "Isn't that allowed?" James didn't say anything. "I am sorry, for everything. I didn't realize how much it hurt you." Still silence. He didn't speak, didn't even look at me. "I didn't realize how much I relied on you until you weren't around. I didn't realize how much I loved you until you were gone." He just looked away. I broke down, and let a sob escape my chest, before running to my room to cry.

This really would be the last time I cried for James Potter. I would wallow in my heartbreak, and then it would be over. I would survive.

The next day, I left my room, and found James waiting for me.

"Lily, I am so sorry for not saying anything." I didn't look at him. "I love you too. I was so fed up with being hurt and ignored. I fell out of love with you, but last night. Last night I fell back in love." I looked up at him. His hazel eyes met my own. "I am sorry."

"Don't ever leave me again." My voice was soft, my eyes filled with tears. He put his arms around me.

"Never. You are my love." He whispered in my ear. "We'll be together until we die."


End file.
